


Do I Have to Say the Words

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-27
Updated: 2006-03-27
Packaged: 2019-02-02 07:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12722343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Jack struggles to tell Daniel how he feels and decides actions speak louder than words. Daniel reacts.





	Do I Have to Say the Words

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

As Jack stepped into the room and took the first few steps towards Daniels desk he felt his determination falter. Each step became more arduous than the last until only absolute will power kept him moving at all. Faced with a lifetime of battle experience and proven bravery he was appalled to recognise the cold creeping fear that was slowly making its way through every aspect of his being. His blood seemed to have slowed and chilled in his veins while his heart rebelliously refused to slow down and instead beat out a constantly quickening rhythm. The rapid and erratic rhythm echoed through his mind causing all coherent thoughts to shatter and disintegrate. He felt the first unfamiliar stirrings of panic and used every obscure technique he'd ever been taught to force himself back into some semblance of control. As the temptation to flee threatened to overwhelm him a sudden quiet movement held him still.

Daniel looked up from his desk, vivid blue eyes catching Jack in their gaze. In that split second of captivity everything Jack had ever felt coalesced into a solid agonizing ache that he no longer ignore. All the years of refusing his feelings, all the pretence and sublimation, all the emotions he had forced deep down, all came crashing to the surface in an overwhelming wave. Jack could feel the strength of the feelings racing through his body with a vibrancy that would no longer be hidden away. The pressure building inside him was immense there was no longer any possibility of retreat, this battle had to be fought and Jack could only hope that he would survive.

~~Rescue me from the mire  
Whisper words of desire  
Rescue me - darling rescue me~~

Jack stood in silent contemplation, taking this last unaltered moment to study the features that had imprinted on his soul a long time before. He drew his eyes down the striking face, slowly tracing the strong line of Daniels jaw with his mind. He mentally reached out towards the beautiful sensual lips he'd dreamed of tasting for so long, allowing himself the luxury of imagining how they would taste. He wasn't surprised to discover his imagination failed him. He raised his sight towards the short silken strands of hair, startlingly highlighted with reflected light from the small reading lamp. He remembered a longer style with unruly strands of soft blonde hair falling loosely, the image it projected one of freedom and innocence that was matched only by the blue eyes it surrounded. 

Those eyes were not so innocent now tempered and haunted by the things they had survived but even though Jack would take every sliver of pain Daniel had ever felt, he realised that they had shaped the man he loved. This stronger, more wary version with the shorter military hair, this was the man Jack loved. He felt nothing but overwhelming love and respect for this man who had changed so much yet still retained the same integrity he'd always had. This was the man Jack wanted beside him for the rest of his life, the one man Jack felt secure enough to lean on. Finally Jacks scrutiny led him to look into the eyes that been both a source of undeniable pain and a constant comfort for the last seven years of his life. As always the passion and intelligence shone in the arresting blue depths, the decency and compassion that was so much a part of Daniel was also visible. A small frown was gently wrinkling the skin between his eyes as he waited for Jack to speak.

~~With your arms open wide  
Want you here by my side  
Come to me - darling rescue me~~

With a brittle casualness Jack finally spoke but the usual inane greetings sounded hollow even as they crashed into the heavy silence. When Daniel returned the words with similar of his own Jack felt like he might breathe again, choosing to ignore the matching emptiness in the words themselves.

Taking the final step towards the possible devastation of everything he lived for Jack tried to explain why he was there. Jack opened his mouth to speak but a few hesitant inconsequential words were all he managed to force into the silence. Jack clenched his fists and drew frustrated breath, he could feel everything he wanted to say but didn't know how to translate it into something he could speak aloud. Talking wasn't something Jack enjoyed but sometimes it was necessary. Talking about his feelings and emotions wasn't something he did whether it was necessary or not. The failure of his marriage was testament to that. Jack refused to fail again, this time failure wasn't an option.

This was the end of the line for Jack, he couldn't ever go back to the way things had been before. He had finally let himself imagine the possibilities, and his imagination had taken him places he would never forget. Places of laughter and love, places where he held the man he loved in his arms and felt complete. If he lost Daniel now, if it was too late then he knew there would be no hope of another opportunity. He had lived with Daniel in his life, loving him for seven years never admitting the depths of the emptiness he kept hidden behind the facade of friendship. He could not live with the emptiness now, not feeling this pain and having no hope of salvation. Only Daniel could heal him, and Jack could only hope that he would still want to.

Jack realised the truth he had buried so carefully and so deeply all those years before was beyond his own ability to reveal. He had trapped himself in this prison of his own making and had no idea how to get free. He stared helplessly into Daniels eyes leaving his own soul visible and vulnerable. Hoping that Daniel cared enough to see the truth and understand what it meant. Praying to a god he hadn't quite given up on that Daniel was strong enough to save them both. 

~~When this world's closing in  
There's no need to pretend  
Set me free - darling rescue me~~

Overwhelmed with his inability to articulate his thoughts and feelings, desperation forced him to act. Relying purely on instinct a quick and fluid movement of his body brought him close into Daniels personal space. His graceful hands reached out with a gentleness that was incongruous with the brute strength they were obviously capable of. Cupping the sides of Daniels upturned face Jack dipped his head and finally closed his lips over the smooth satin mouth he'd dreamed of night after night. Time seemed to stop and Jacks blood stilled in his veins, his heart froze in a single endless beat and his mind echoed a silent litany of sensations. Eventually drawing back even as he remembered how to breath Jack felt himself engulfed in the passionate flames racing through his body. The heat he felt was more intense than anything he had ever thought possible, searing every nerve and fibre and leaving his very essence scorched. After a few ragged breaths Jack managed to focus on the piercing blue eyes that were currently staring at him. In Daniels shock widened eyes of he saw not only passion and wonder but also confusion and uncertainty. 

The confusion remained evident in Daniels eyes, and was clearly heard in his words as he struggled to make sense of Jacks actions. Words that asked for explanations Jack couldn't give. He'd given Daniel his soul and hoped it would be enough but he had no words that could explain why. When Daniel realised that the silence would remain unbroken his eyes filled with a new emotion. A flash of hurt visible barely seconds before Daniels pride thrust it back down was enough to force a reaction from Jack. Even as words began to form Daniel was already moving towards the door, determined to get away from Jack and pain he had inexplicably caused. Daniel was tall and strong but Jacks reflexes were quicker, a lifetime of being in danger had them finely honed. He'd never felt as threatened as he did by the thought of Daniel walking out that door and out of his life. He moved with the speed and silent grace of a jungle cat, reaching the door before Daniel and blocking the way out. Daniel stopped short and looked at him once again with questions in his eyes. 

~~I don't want to let you go  
So I'm standing in your way  
I never needed anyone like I'm needing' you today~~

There were endless questions rushing through Jacks mind as well and finally in a last desperate attempt to make Daniel understand he managed to force painful words through fear thinned lips.

Do I have to say the words?  
Do I have to tell the truth?  
Do I have to shout it out?  
Do I have to say a prayer?  
Must I prove to you how good we are together?  
Do I have to say the words?  
"I Love You..."

The whispered words were clearly heard in the oppressive silence and Jack watched with a morbid fascination as they registered in Daniels quick and agile mind. Stunned blue eyes blinked rapidly in Jacks direction, the only sign of movement in the uncharacteristically still body. Jack forced himself to keep breathing as he waited for some kind of reaction, a word or a sign, anything to end the agonizing torture he was feeling. Each second ticking by seemed like a razors edge slicing against his stretched and fraying nerves.

Daniel shook his head in a gesture of bewilderment, perhaps he hoped to force all the disparate and confusing thoughts he was having into something recognisable. Something he could understand, once last glance in Jack's direction made it clear that hadn't happened. Jack watched as Daniel turned around and walked the few steps back towards his desk. Somewhere in Jacks jumbled thoughts he seemed to remember the distance being much shorter before. As Daniel reached the desk and placed his hands on the polished wood for support, some small process in Jack s mind aligned itself with his ability to speak. Having finally spoken the words he had repressed for so long had opened the floodgates and Jack could feel the words start to rise in a chaotic torrent.

He began to explain when and how he had fallen in love, words tumbling one on top of the other. Why he had kept it to himself, never believing that his feelings could possibly be returned. He spoke of confusion and denial and intermingled both with words of acceptance and understanding. He shared the memory of a single solitary moment of pure happiness when he had finally learned of Daniels own feelings and without stopping for breath he shared the dizzying descent into despair as he realised he could never accept the gift that Daniel had offered. His voice broke as he relived the moment when he had chosen to deny himself all that he had ever dreamed of having, again tasting the bitter sting of his own inadequacies. He felt the heat of shame rising as he admitted how tempted he had been to let himself go, the belief that Daniel would catch him almost tangible. He hoped that the reason for that belief still existed even if it was buried under the chilled silence and the echoing deluge of his painfully honest words. 

~~Rescue me from despair  
Tell me you will be there  
Help me please - darling' rescue me~~

When the silence began to crowd in again with still no movement or sound from Daniel, Jack continued with the almost cathartic revelations from his deepest heart. He spoke with sincerity of his belief that Daniel would realise that he should never have wanted Jack at all. Jack had thought when he established beyond doubt that he would never accept the possibility that Daniel offered, then his friend would move on with his life. Jack spoke of the hope he felt everyday that his friend would find someone else he could love, someone who deserved such a precious offering. His voice was barely audible as he confessed to the small selfish voice deep in his mind that he could never banish, the one that hoped there would never be someone else.

He gave voice to his own acknowledgement that there would never be anyone else for him and acceptance of this as his version of forever. Sharing his sadness and regret that Daniel had been unable to find it in his heart to love someone better. He spoke of promises of protection and loyalty, of friendship and support, of laughter and love. His eyes stung with disregarded tears as he spoke of wrenching loss and unacceptable deaths. He admitted out loud the fear he had felt when faced with the loss of Daniel from his life forever. Of the selfish desire he had felt to hold him tightly and keep him close, even when it meant the loss of something better for Daniel. He told of the loneliness that had been his constant companion when Daniel had been gone, the shadowy doubts that he deserved nothing less for his failure to protect. He almost smiled as he recalled the first time he had felt Daniels presence in the air around him, admitting that was the first day he felt he might survive the rest of his life.

The hope that Daniel's contact had given him provided the strength to go on doing his job, his duty. He reminded Daniel of the first time he had actually seen him after his ascension, how even as he denied what he was seeing his heart had known the truth. Words of thanks were confused with desperate apologies as Jack talked of the final time he had looked into Daniels face. He was referring to the last battle on Abydos when he had demanded his friend take action and afterwards when it had occurred to him that he might possibly have caused the permanent death of the one person who meant more than anyone or anything. He choked as he tried to describe the empty black void that had filled his future at that point, a future stripped bare of every hope and every dream. Dreams that had only returned with the appearance of Daniel on a distant planet. As his hurried words began to slow down Jack told of the moment when comprehension dawned that even if all he could offer Daniel was love, then maybe that would be enough.

~~Every dream that we share  
Every cross that we bear  
Come to me - darling' rescue me~~

Jacks last words dissipated into silence and emotionally drained and apprehensive he could only stand and wait. As Daniel finally took a deep breath and turned round a myriad of emotions flashed through his eyes, there was confusion and wonder but also something else, something infinitely colder. Jack couldn't draw his eyes away the passion that had burned only moments before was now freezing under a cold icy veil of anger. His blue eyes turned to quicksilver as they filled with a fury rarely seen. Jack had seen it before but only directed at the parasitic evil that Daniel hated more than anything. To feel that anger and fury directed at him turned Jacks insides to ice.

Daniel took a step towards him and Jack was stunned when he felt his feet take an involuntary step backwards. Daniel took no notice of the movement and continued making his way towards Jack, stopping only when he was within arm's length. Jack forced himself to raise his head and brave the anger he had seen, as his eyes stopped on Daniels he saw a deeper emotion almost buried behind the anger, betrayal. The thought was lost under a sudden onslaught of accusations and judgements. Scathing words of anger pierced deep into Jack, more painful than any wound he'd ever endured. Jack could only brace himself against the mental assault as the full force of Daniels fury raged around him. 

A sudden fast and powerful fist smashing into his jaw took Jack completely by surprise, even as his head was connecting with the door behind him he was still processing what had happened. As his vision alternately blurred and focused the reality announced itself with unrelenting clarity. Daniel had hit him, all the anger building up until he had finally lashed out physically. When Jack's vision finally cleared he slowly raised his head bracing himself unconsciously for another blow. As soon as he actually got a clear look at Daniel he knew that wasn't a possibility. He took in the pale skin and shallow breathing in in an instant, in a single moment of violence all the anger had fled leaving Daniel shaken and hollow. Daniels eyes were wide with shock and his whole body was tense, he reminded Jack of an animal about to flee. Jack was unsure what to do or say but again his instinctual reflexes saved him, moving him swiftly between Daniel and the door handle. Daniel almost collided with Jack even as he realised the door was closed and turned away again. 

~~I don't want to let you go  
So I'm standing in your way  
I never needed anyone like I'm needing' you today~~

Jack searched his heart and mind desperately, and somewhere out of the frantic disarray of half formed words and desires he managed a desperate plea. 

Do I have to say the words?  
Do I have to tell the truth?  
Do I have to shout it out?  
Do I have to say a prayer?  
Must I prove to you how good we are together?  
Do I have to say the words?  
"I Love You...I Need You..."

The desperate words trailed off in a soft breath of sorrow. As Jack fought to comprehend the situation he found himself in, he leaned his back against the door and let himself slide slowly to the floor. Resting his arms across the top of his raised knees he lowered his head, hoping to hide his shame as well as the tears he could feel threatening to surface. He had thought he could save Daniel from the pain that loving Jack O'Neill would inevitably cause but Daniel had pointed to that as false. Accusing Jack of being more afraid of the pain he might feel himself and Jack wasn't sure what was the truth anymore. 

He felt as though Daniels eyes were marking him permanently with the weight of betrayal, realising the truth of that emotion only as the thought occurred. He felt he at least owed Daniel an acknowledgement of that fact and offered up the words. Raising his head but unwilling to make eye contact, he looked at the floor off to the side as he spoke. He had betrayed Daniel, he had betrayed them both. The illusion of protection he had believed in for years was shattered and only half-truths and excuses remained. He could finally see the magnitude of his idiocy and all that he had deprived them both of.

Jack tried to explain that he'd always known he wasn't the man that most people seemed to think he was, always expecting that one day someone would realise that underneath the uniform there was no hero. He choked out words of failure for everyone who ever mattered and added Daniels name to the list. Stopping only to take a ragged breath, he forced himself to continue with his stark admissions. Telling haltingly of the darkness he'd always carried and how he had only wanted to keep it away from Daniel, but had been too weak to distance himself from the one person whom he loved. Now it seemed he had proven himself right and his darkness was destroying both them and anything that might have been good between them. In a final whispered supplication he both asked for forgiveness and admitted he deserved none.

~~Rescue me  
Set me free~~


End file.
